It's A Conspiracy!
by gawilliams
Summary: Mitch decides to have some fun at Booth's expense when Booth gets back from his honeymoon.


_This is a little one I have been thinking about for a long time ever since the wedding episode and the Church happened to burn to the ground. What if it had been Mitch's parish church and the priest we saw in the episode had been one of the minor parish priests who worked under Mitch? Mitch may have been unavailable for the wedding, hence we saw a different priest. While there would be nothing wrong, per se, with having the priest in the episode being Mitch, he isn't really how I pictured Mitch when I created the character, so I will go on the above assumption. How would Mitch react to his Church being torched, and he jumped to conclusions as Booth had been at the Church lighting candles just before the place caught fire? This is my take on that one. Gregg._

 _P.S.~ I combined this with an element of Vacation Rules, but other than that this story is not a part of that earlier one._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Head of Major Crimes, FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth was in his office plowing through a veritable mountain of paperwork that had piled up while he had been in Argentina on his honeymoon. Honeymoon? Yeah, right! No such luck as Bones had, naturally, zoomed in on the local morgue and found a case that just begged for her to sneak in and take charge as only she could. From that point on once the killer had been none other than the local M.E. the honeymoon had bit the dust. No sex. No enjoying the local attractions. No sex. No working on the old sun tan. No sex. No catching up on some serious tropical drinks. No sex. Did he forget to mention _**NO SEX**_? Yep. Junior was not too happy. The Boys were downright pissed. Booth? He didn't think it was possible to have a more serious case of blue balls. Here he had finally married the woman of his dreams, a walking, talking sexual Goddess on top of it all, and he'd enjoyed all of three days of connubial bliss and then **_nothing_** the rest of the honeymoon. And the excuse? _I'm too tired, Booth. I've been working on autopsies all day, Booth. Tomorrow will be better, Booth_. Yeah, right. Almost three weeks of that malarkey with good old _El Inspectorio_ for company and now he was doing paperwork. Bones, thank God, didn't have to go to work for another two days so he was hoping beyond hope that tonight would be one hellacious sex marathon, though with the way his luck was going Junior would be so damn eager Bones would finish the evening calling him her Minute Man, or would that be One Second Man? He mentally started lecturing Junior on his important task for the night and how he had better not let the Home Team down in the satisfaction department. Junior's _Juniorly Glory_ better be on full display or else!

"Booth?" came a voice that startled the frustrated FBI Special Agent.

"What?" Booth growled as he looked up and then blushed. "Mitch!" he said as he jumped up and went to his friend and parish priest. "Sorry about that, but I'm having a bad day."

"It's your first day back from your honeymoon, Seeley," Mitch observed. "How could you be having a bad day?"

"Bones worked herself to a frazzle as an interim M.E. in Buenos Aires so needless to say there was no rest for the wicked on our honeymoon," Booth said morosely.

"So my favorite parishioner didn't get to be a pervert on his honeymoon?" Mitch teased in a quiet voice that could only be heard by Booth.

"I am _**NOT**_ a pervert!" Booth hissed as he quickly shut the door to his office. It simply would not do to have his underlings thinking that their _El Supremo_ was some sort of perverted sex freak! He wasn't, of course, but convincing Mitch of the fact that he wasn't was a lost cause, if all the penance he'd wracked up over the years was any indication.

"But that's not what I am here about," Mitch continued on as if the other subject had never come up.

"So, what's up?" Booth asked. "And before you say it I'll be in confession day after tomorrow, I can assure you." **_AFTER_ ** the upcoming sex marathon. At the moment there wasn't anything earth shattering to confess to. Bones had seen to that with her **_WAY_** overdeveloped sense of duty.

"Good," Mitch replied. "But that's not the reason, either. I have a serious question for you."

"Okay," Booth replied, looking straight at his friend and listening hard. "Shoot."

"Why did you burn down my Church?" Mitch asked.

"ME!" Booth screeched at the top of his lungs in a really high pitched tone. He about fell out of his chair in shock. "I didn't torch the Church! I love being Catholic! Long live the Pope! Burn the Heretics at the Stake! Down with Modernism! I'm damn near the poster boy for the perfect Catholic!"

"Except for the rampant perversion," Mitch chuckled, not able to resist the teasing barb.

"I am not a pervert!" Booth exclaimed in a slightly quieter tone. His underlings were right outside the damn door, after all. What the Hell was happening? He was beginning to see the afterlife in clear relief now, and it was filled with the fiery flames of You Know Where. As it was he could feel his blood pressure spiking. "Now what kind of BS is this about burning down churches? I know you probably are a bit upset over what happened to yours, Mitch, but why the Hell are you trying to blame me?"

"The video monitors recorded you entering the Church and then leaving. No one else entered or left afterwards, and it was only minutes later that the fire began," Mitch explained. "You're the professional investigator, Seeley, how would you react to such a lead?"

"I swear by all that's Holy I did not torch the Church!" Booth shot back, becoming a little crazed at this point, though his more rational self had to admit that Mitch did have a point, but the sheer insanity of it wasn't letting that portion of his brain rule the roost. "I was about to get married, for God's sake! Why on Earth would I do such a thing?"

"Pre-wedding nerves?" Mitch suggested. "Perhaps you didn't really want to get married and it was your subconscious was controlling your actions so that the wedding would not happen?"

"Did Sweets put you up to this?" Booth demanded. "The way you're talking it sounds as if Sweets is in here spouting all his Freudian hooey! Now there's the _**real**_ pervert! It's a total conspiracy!"

 _Oh, my God!_ Booth thought. _I'm now sounding like Hodgins! That conspiracy nut has turned me into a psycho just like him! I will fucking kill that little shit!_

While Booth was sitting there fuming Mitch was enjoying himself. He'd always wanted to play the part of investigator and interrogate someone, and while he knew full well that Booth didn't cause the fire that burned his church to the ground, it had provided him the perfect opportunity to play this role and see how it was for Booth. Lord help him he must be reading too many Bishop Blackie novels by his favorite author Andrew Greeley.

"No, no one put me up to this," Mitch assured him. "But you have to admit the evidence is quite compelling."

"It's totally circumstantial!" Booth hissed. "I don't have to admit nothing! Frankly if you weren't my best friend and priest I'd send your ass in for some serious drug testing!"

Mich burst out laughing, no longer able to keep it in. "Oh, Seeley, you should see yourself," he told his friend. "The look on your face is priceless. What I really came here for was to see if you would be willing to do the investigation into who really did cause the fire. Arson hasn't been fully ruled out. You're the best investigator I know."

"I'm a murder investigator, Mitch," Booth replied, trying to get his breathing back under control, as well as suppress the urge to strangle Mitch. "Besides, I'm a Fed. That's local stuff unless it's on federal property."

"I've already spoken to the local arson investigator and he is willing to turn over his findings and jurisdiction to you and the scientists at the Jeffersonian," Mitch told him, obviously having come prepared.

Booth sighed. "Alright," he caved. "I'll get on it tomorrow. As for right now I need to get home and take care of something."

"I'll reserve some time in confession for you tomorrow morning," Mitch winked at him as he gave a sly smile to Booth. He may be a priest, and a good one, but he did enjoy a good joke. No wonder he spent so much time in confession himself. It was worth it, though, to see his parishioners smile. Too much in this world wore people down. He felt it was a duty of a priest to bring a ray of happiness to their lives.

"I am not a pervert!" Booth said firmly once again, and once again he got a laugh from his friend. He just knew he'd be doing penance up the wazoo for the rest of his life with Mitch around.

 _Later that night_

"It's alright, Booth," Bones said consolingly. "There's always tomorrow."

Booth was fuming. This was so unfair! He was still so wound up from Mitch's little joke that Junior had been a complete no show for the evenings festivities! At least being known as a Minute Man would have been something! But no. Junior had to go AWOL! Not even a half salute! Bones had done everything but bring in another woman to add a bit of spice! Even brought out her toys for a little _show_! Normally just the bare mention of that had Junior saluting in all his Glory! But tonight? **Nothing**.

"It's a total conspiracy!" he said defiantly.

 _A/N: There it is. A little fun on Booth's return to reality after the honeymoon. I hope you enjoyed this one. Extreme? Yes, but that's what brings out the best humor, and I couldn't resist bringing in Mitch. Happy Holidays! Gregg._


End file.
